Family christmas lunch

I'm pleased to report back that the Family Christmas lunch was what it was every year. Lovely.

In fact we're thinking of audtioning for a disney Christmas 2008. There were no conniving distant cousins, no drunken rumour-mongering aunts, no matriarchal martyr or vengeful ex-husbands, not a sniff of a neanderthal nephew on weekend detention. In fact so unlike the jerry Springer show was my christmas that it was almost a cliche. Just the way I like it .

The event this year was held at my sister Jessica's place. For this reason we also celebrated

Saturnalia, Yule, the Mesopotamian Zagmuk and drank toasts to Ishtar, El Gabal, Mithra, Buddha, his cat and various Gods, Demi-Gods, and any ousted Liberal party leaders who happenned to be wandering past. All this was done standing on one foot whispering a mantra celebrating the timeless universal actions of the contrating elements of the cosmos and how they manifest themselves into Jessica's Garden.

In conclusion, merry xmas to all, good will to all neighbours (except those Neighbours that go on to less than illustrious musical singing careers) and death to all contestants from Australian idol. Ho ho ho

Deck the halls with Ivy

Santa came early to James St on Christmas day. So early he woke Ivy up and by seven am we had unwrapped all the presents sung a few carols and even joined Boy George, Bono and Sting in a rousing rendition of feed the world.

Ivy proved to be an extremely gifted present open upererer. She loves the taste of paper, the scrunchy sounds it makes and the fact that her parents suddenly decided lying on the floor is an extremely interesting pastime.

The Birds Christmas message

After entering this world on the auspicious date of 05/06/07, I have seen many things. I have sat and observed, taken things in and pushed things out the other end.

I have seen a kind world.

A world where strangers greet me with a smile. Where people just want to touch me, give me gifts and sing stupid songs to me. A place where people want to rock me, show me off and present me with gifts. They will feed me, clothe me and entertain me and all they want in return is a smile. This truly is a great world.

But sadly this world is not going to last.

Every day it changes.

Every day people become less interested in this world, no longer giving me the same attention as before. As I get older, people don't seem as interested any more. The world is changing. This is why I urge all of you to conserve this world. Do what you can to keep it the same because I love being carried around, I love being fed, sung to and smiled at. People everyhere I go are kind and ask all sorts of interested questions about me. It truly is a wonderful world... let's keep it that way

Australia's next top extra

Renowned international director Bill the queen Mcqueen, had just flown into sydney via Hong kong, Mumbai and Bangkok to film the latest installment of his eagerly awaited Nokia get lost campaign with local identity extra Kate Browne, when Sydney decided to remind Bill of the complexities of filming outside during storm season. But Bill fresh from filming during a snow storm in Northern India proved unflappable delivering a 45 second commercial under budget and shot within 2 days on a shoestring budget. His big find was Kate I'm such a good extra Browne who despite being a novice driver, was still able to drive a saab convertible mulitple times over the Sydney harbour bridge, whilst two nice young gents shouted at her to smile. Untethered surfboard in the back , it should have been a car ad, not a phone ad. But all this was no problem for the true professional Browne who despite it her first time driving over the bridge, still pulled it off with that trademark smiling head turn of hers.

The shoot finishishing seconds before storms settled in for three weeks was also notable for the inclusion of newcomers Ed I'm quite handsome Holmes and his daughter appearing in her inaugural television debut Ivy may the bird Browne. Quite a family affair, the whole thing reeked of nepotism and can be seen coming to a National Geographic Channel near you.

"Paul Stanley... You ride for free son"

Those were the infamous words muttered to me by the light rail ticket collector as the clock struck midnight and the make up was running down my face in the packed compartment coming home from The Channel Ten Xmas party. For those of you not yet born in the eighties Paul Stanley was one of the members of Kiss who looked a lot like the handsome devil in the picture above. (one on the right you fools). The theme was eighties and there and there was no holding back. In fact I was rtather under dressed for the night. My highlight was the walk to the party thru Darling harbour and getting my picture taken by about 10 Japanese schoolgirls.
Hooray for daggy Xmas parties

Congratulations Mr Rudd

Not meaning to offend any liberal party leaning readers but hooray for Kevin. Yippeeeee and thank god I never have to hear another word from that morally bankrupt ex prime minister... what was his name again? Emma and Erin joined us for what was one of the more rowdier 4 people gatherings with hannah on the line from Germany enjoying every minute. A better nights entertainment watching the telly I havent had in years. In other news as can be seen friom the photo below I'm living with 2 peas in a pod. Ivy is eating solids which also means she's pooing solids, which means my job as doting dad has just got a whole lot harder. Every morning I'm aiming mashed up carrot into a small swivelling giggling hole and then cleaning up the smelly mess a few hours later.

and that's it I'm afraid what with facebook, baby, blog, work, life, Xmas parties and scientology inductions, life's just sooooo busy

Byron Bay , raining one day, raining the next

It was to be 10 days of tropical sunshine in Australia's coolest and most relaxing beachside mecca. The boardies were packed, as was the sunscreen, the hammock, and the attitude to take it easy with the beautiful people (my common law wife kate, baby daughter Ivy, with honourable mentions to my sister Meredith and brother in law Colin plus nephews James and David).

But alas the gods were offended. Our roadtrip started perfectly if you don't take into account the weather as we drove up to Bellingen, a 6 hour drive of which we were quite fearful,having the 5 month old baby Ivy May Bird in the back seat. But like her parents she proved to a great traveller snoring her way up the pacific highway to beautiful Bellingen. In fact she enjoyed the travelling so much she decided to sing at the top of her voice all night long for the next 2 nights but that's another story.

Bellingen is where Eucalyptus was never filmed, where David Helfcott likes to play Rachmanivov, where George Negus used to live and where the most recent Aussie digger killed in Afghanistan hailed from. It's also gateway to the Dorrigo national park where adventurous parent types can stroll with strollers through leach infested rainforest swamps, thank god for the fuel injected mountain buggy.

It was here that Kate, afraid of no creepy crawly Browne, revealed her phobia of leaches. You've never seen such a sight as a grown woman hopping about begging me to get rid of that cute little leach. My lovely little vegetarian was yelling blue murder.

After Bellingen we headed off to Byron where we caught up with my relo's and where the rain continued. Lots of nice eating, walking in the rain, massages and walks. We then relocated to the foothills near bangalow and stayed in a beautiful farm where we got to pat goats and stare at cows. We even managed a roadtrip to Brisbane to visit Pete the tallest man in Africa trout and his new wife Natasha in their gorgeous house in Brisvegas. Pete who is really keen to have kids was a natural with Ivy May (if you don't count crying).

Then we headed back down to Bellingen again for some more rain and general chilling out. The highlight of the trip had to be Ivy may and her learning to roll over. It was just a joy to watch and to spend time hanging out with my daughter. It makes you realise how much Dad's miss.

Ivy idol

The secret....

to great parenting I've discovered...

is song.

Tunes, melodies, poetry that don't rhyme. It doesn't matter. As long as it's done with enthusiasm and a silly face you're in the baby business. All that matters is Can you produce it on demand, the audience is always ready. I'm up there with the worst of them, off key, flat,

tone deaf, but when it comes to an audience that delivers beatles enthusiasm for any crap rendition then I'm up with the best of them. And don't she love it. I am indeed a rock god

20 year school reunion

It's 4am in the morning, I have a 4 month old daughter waiting at home but here I am dancing to tainted Love, skulling shots of sambuca, and pulling off dance manouevres the 18 year old Eddy holmes would indeed be proud of. How time flies. It's been 20 years since we've all left school and gone on to bigger and better things. Take Shaun Chambers for example, He's a garbo making 2 grand a week, "best fucking thing I've ever done mate", even if he did find a dead body on one of his runs last year. It was great talking to Barry Cheung who used to used to dress up in Ninja outfits and stand quietly in our rooms without us knowing about it. When quizzed on how many times he did it to me he said he can't remember but probably a couple.

Oh how we reminisced. Brett Humphreys remembered the time the bong fell out of the fireplace when the housemaster walked in. "No sir we have no idea why an orchy bottle would have a piece of rubber hanging out of it sir". Miles Mason incurred the wrath of all the boarders when he said the food wasn't that bad at school.

I had a great argument with right winger farmers party man Ronny Mccalman about how brilliant the iraqi invasion was. Bec Bosley was in great form, 4 children down and dressed to make number 5.

Great to talk to Rob oakeshott, now a state MP, he remembered how he starred nude in a short film 19 years before the invention of youtube. He enjoyed the front page headline in his electorate when someone discovered it last week.

Then there was Brett Jackson veteran of 10,000 great nights out still burning up the dance floor. Boo Ross bitching about her husbands bicycle obsession, Mark Lacey about how your sexlife dries up once you have kids and then it all fades into a blur as dancing queen comes in. It is the truly bizarre to enter a room of people you knew really well 20 years ago. Wouldn't have missed it for quids and had a ball catching up with everyone. Good on you barker 1987!!!

Californicating catholics

Ever since I started at TEN life has just been one big drama, one big comedy drama I should say. Californication.... a dirty word for some a very funny show for others, and quite a minefield to make trailers for. With the censors over my shoulder we've been churning out promos which have been getting quite a bit of press. In fact the catholics have just started holding candelit vigils outsode channel ten headquarters every time the show airs. What Losers. None of them have even seen the intelligent design of this show but tell that to Father John Fongemie who's leading the spiritual battle for our souls outside. Even Helen Coonans been on the case calling meetings and the CEO has been labelled a pornographer. All quite amusing really. I mean a couple of boobs on the telly at 9.45 at night isn't nearly as bad as a prostitute brutally murdered in the first five minutes of every crime show with the initials CSI SVU NCIS CI. But tell that to catholics.... inquisitions are in boobs are out. Oh well in my opinion the show is nothing more than sex and the city, Big Love, or six feet under and it's nice to have a show that appeals to adult humour. But then I would say that.... I'm making the trailers and the catholics are watching.

message from Ivy may to all blog readers

gidddeeeeeeeeeegiddddeeeeeeeeee

wwwwwaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh get that crazy man away from me

gogglee gogglee goggleee i love my daddy goggglllegoppp gopppp gopppp

gidddeeeeeeeeeegiddddeeeeeeeeee

gop

geeeheeegeeeerheeeemummmy's very silly geeee heeeee eeeeee

She's just growing up way too quickly

Can somebody please conjur up some magic and freeze my daughters development in time cause she's just sooo cute. ( sorry new parent... makes you sick doesn't it) Ivy May is now 8 and a half weeks... soon I won't even be counting half weeks.... and every day she changes. Oh well at east she hasn't started dating boys yet

Kate's other husbands

Those of you with connections to Asio, or media monitors may recently have noticed a sharp spike in the appearance of Kate Browne under various different disguises across various different media.

On TV she has appeared with a middle aged husband in a clubs NSW ad. Her big blurry noggin comes right out at you. For getty images she can be seen above preggers with some man I hunted down last week and have tied up in the shed out the back ( don't tell Kate). On the choice website she can be seen with a baby who looks nothing like our little Ivy. Yes she's sold her soul to the Devil all in the aim of 5 minutes of fame and a little cash. I'm just wondering who's going to have the last laugh when she appears on a huge billboard advertising thrush treatment.

I know more than you about....

nappy rash, breastmilk, maternity pads, the effects of sleeping in 3 hour chunks on the body, going to the loo whilst a baby is strapped in your baby bjorn and negotiating a stroller down awkward stairs whilst collecting the mail, opening the gate and greeting the neighbour at the same time.
ok I admit it , I had no idea about the new Geoffry Rush play exit the king at the belvoir, and I havent heard of any of the current films playing at the local cinema, I have absolutely no clue on what bands are in Sydney , or what new exhibitions, festivals, restaurants, visiting dignatries, sand sculptors, or fascinating engaging people or events in this fair city. nothing, zilch nada.
But what can I tell you about is nappies, poo, and obscure infomercials broadcast at unsociable hours on Foxtel. I can also tell you about the hillbillies in leichhardt who sleep with cats and young babies

Oh the glamour of it all..... weird thing is I'm probably having a much better time than If I was Mr I've seen everything around town