Sunday, March 26, 2006

Fast and blast OR How I learned to stop worrying and drop the bomb

So how do you like your coffee in the morning Ed?
Up the bum please.
Yes it's day three of our now 5 day Colonic fast and things have been interesting indeed. Turn away now if lengthy descriptions of intestinal muck don't interest.
Kate and I have been getting into quite a routine which pretty much goes like this. Mug of clay at 7 in the morning.
90 minutes later 6 pills that taste of grass,
90 minutes later jug of clay please,
followed of course 90 minutes later by some delicious grass flavoured pills.
And that pretty much continues most of the day until at 4pm when it time for....wait for it... flashing lights,'s time for ...COLONIC.
My first day was quite spectacular for the fact that there I was lying on my back with a tube up my bum whilst apple cider and coffee solution was forcing itself from a great height into what used to be the domain of undigested red meat, when, Norah Jones started communicating with me. Yes the piped music gently easing all my worries of how slightly unnatural it is to be lying with a tube up your bum with 10 litres bearing down on you, when Nora sang What is this hideous thing I see before me
She couldn't have been more apt. Upon inspection, which is what everyone does here... I can confirm that she got it exactly right.
We are provided with rubber gloves to give our poos a good prod and report back to poomaster Mr Moon our spiritual guide. Some even go so far as to take their digital cameras in with them. You'll be glad to hear I havent gone that far ...YET...there are still 2 more days of the fast. So stay tuned for piccys of things you know you want to see. We're talking greens and reds here.

In other Colonic news I also set a new world record for fastest colonic when there I was lying on my back, tube up my bum, this time listening to morcheeba, when one of the larger black hairy spiders of southern Thailand decided a quick sprint across my bathroom wall was in order. (Very near my head I might add). Let me tell you I consumed that 10 litres quicker than you can say come near me you big black mother f...... and youll be seeing a poo tsunami. Spiders especially large hairy ones are not the kind of thing those of us with phobias like to encounter when we're sort of preoccupied if you know what I mean.

Ohh colonic stories I could bore you all day with more of them, especally some others I've heard but no... time to move on. The fast itself for me has been going well. Surprisingly I'm not that hungry (must be all those clay shakes). I'm really starting to feel better and perhaps even won over by this very interesting Gandhi concept of not eating. My body is defintely in detox mode and I'm having to clean my teeth 3 times a day. As for Kate shes had a tough time as last night she spent 6 hours violently we're talking projectile vomit ill. According to our guru Mr moon this is all perfectly normal and Kate has started to feel better so that's good. We are counting down the days. In truth a 3 day piece of stale old bread would get three michelin stars from me at the moment. we have all become food obsessives. Ooooops. My ninety minutes is up, Hand over one of those delicous clay flavoured shakes Mr moon. By the way I was joking about the pictures.

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