Your quick guide to baby poo

I know what you're thinking, how could I stoop so low and post a blog entirely on baby poo?

But hang on...

you're still reading...

admit it, you're a little fascinated...

oh well, can't say I blame you ... what with all those exciting sights, sounds and smells, not to mention consistencies

so what's it all about then, this baby poo stuff?

Surely it can't be all that bad when the only thing going in seems to be a white milky looking substance commonly known as milk? I mean the stuffs pure as the driven snow outside, I should know I've been putting it on my cornflakes. (snow that is) . But back to that poo...
The first sign that something untoward has happenned is a red face. This is followed closely by a frown, then the face gets a little redder and little baby looks like she's about to start a backstroke race only she aint going nowhere. Then what do I do asks the frantic soon to be babysitter blogreader. Well grab yourself a nappy, lift up those legs grab a wipe and well it's not that hard, you've been doing it to yourself for god knows how many years. All that really need to be addressed is the colour of those poos

Green: very common. Looks a bit like that green herbed parsly you can buy in a tube ( and comes out in a similar manner) Bubbly consistency, often confused with salad dressing sometimes found in cheap greek run Italian restaurants.

Sticky Black: or what us scientists refer to as muconium. MMM looks like vegemite, feels like vegemite, smells like vegemite and the taste? Well lets just say you need a hell of a lot of margarine

Brown and crunchy: the old peanut butter jelly. crunchy, golden brown and looks like it 'd be a treat in a satay sauce

so there you have it...poo changing in 3 paragraphs... really wasn't that bad was it?

The tiny tyrant

Parenthood is a breeze.... what betweeen, chats on the mobile phone, red wine at the opera bar, and listening to a band on a saturday afternoon.... we don't know what all the fuss about

Sure there are nights ( most nights) where you don't get a minute's sleep and you enter some dark groundhog day like existance rocking a pram back and forward like some demented tibetan monk, but hey we're not complaining. In fact all things considered we are going pretty well. Kate and I have opted for the baby is not going to interrupt our life too much approach. Ivy is 20 days old and already she's been to the beach (Balmoral), out for 3 posh lunches( she ordered breastmilk in a creamy sauce), an 18th birthday at the pub ( slept the whole way thru) and even a band at the opera bar while mummy and daddy drank red wine and admired the view.

Of course I realise just by writing this blog will put a curse of bad babyitis on us but tempting fate is a whole load of fun. I'm back to work on Tuesday which means Kate gets to go solo...

yikes...

Maybe we should hold off on the lecture circuit for a while.

Who's baby have we stolen?

Oh my god it's ours.

It seems there's been some terrible mistake.

After 7 days at RPA, we are finally home...alone... with baby. What the hell are they thinking letting us out. We're amateurs, I can't even properly look after myself let alone a little package that struggles to understand if the hands on the end of her arms are hers or not. I mean where is the instruction manual?

But seriously.... we seem to be coping. I mean it's all relative isn't it. Compared to the diggers fighting it out at the Somme, we're doing swimmingly. But who would have thought that such a tiny little thing could turn your life upside down. Ohhhh lucky she's sooooooo cute.

So Kate and I are now fully fledged members of the parents society. In case you are not a member of this elite club then frankly we no longer have time for you and can't really understand why you're being so selfish, wasting your lives away doing meaningless things.I mean we change nappies now.

So what have we learnt from being a parent I hear you ask?

Well for a start the cliche "sleep like a baby" is the the most ridculous thing I've ever heard. It frankly makes no sense at all. The people who invented this misnomer should all be taken outside and shot.

But on the up side... Being a dad does have it's advantages. As the great saint Angelina Jolie said "There's nothing sexier than a man who is a great Dad". So have I been taking Ivy May on walks up and down Norton bloulevarde, winking at the grandmas? yes! Guilty.

But I am proud I havent ordered a babycino yet.

So little Ivy May is 12 days old and doing fine. Mummy is breatfeeding really well, baby is sleeping really well -during the day- those nights are something else . So far so good.

Definitely up for visitors... we want to show the world how much more beautiful our baby is than yours

Bright lights big daddy

Two days old and getting a tan. Little Ivy may was banished to the ICU for some much needed UV. She developed jaundice, poor little thing, so there she is spending her days like a supermodel with her new fake tan. At a hefty 3.7 kilos she was definitely on the large size down there where most of the babies were premature and barely topping 1 kilo. After 30 hours on the high density lamps, she then continued her vacation on the bili lamps which werent as comfortable as dad's tummy unfortunately. Oh well, she's off them now and her levels have come right down and everyone's happy.

"This baby's got a very big head"

Announced the midwife, to which my reply was, " she obviously takes after her mother". You see I've been calling Kate big head for years and it was quite fitting for the little baby kate(not her actual name) to announce her big headedness to the world in such dramatic fashion. We may both look chirpy in the above photo, it's true the camera never lies, it's the angle of the camera that tells all the untruths. Supermodel kate wouldn't be looking so great if we were on the other side of that curtain. You see getting to this momentous picture was a long hard journey, one that started on Monday morning and finally finished the following one at 8.16 am(05/06/07) with the birth of the beautiful, albeit slightly squashed, Ivy May Browne.

It all started with a trickle that sure enough turned into a flood and had Ed mopping up some water all the way from the bedroom floor to the bathroom. It was monday morning the flag had been hoisted it was all about to happen. So off we trotted very casually to the Royal Prince Alfred Hospital to check things out. Kate was hooked up to a machine that sounded like the galloping of a thousand horses and sure enough, we were informed yes the waters had broken, the baby will probably come tonight, so go home and ring us when things really get exciting. (basically with the baby boom in full swing there's not a bed in sight).

Kate had gone into some kind of weird land and had her mind set on baking a cake (the fact I have never actually seen her bake anything let alone a cake didnt seem to her odd).

Kate was so calm we were even recieving visitors as Emma and Jasen popped over for a bit of labour spotting. By now it was 4pm and she hadnt even started that cake. We had bought the ingredients but she knew she had a cake to bake before the other bun came out of the oven. But then it was time for a walk (very important to let gravity start pulling the baby down). So off we waddled up to Kates Parents jill and Lindsay( who luckily don't live too far away but far enough away if you know what I mean) for a bit of a pre labour gee up. Quick waddle home afterwards and it really was time to start making that cake.

Unfortunately contractions began which as soon as we put on Big brother became a lot worse. It was almost as if her body was having an allergic reaction to the latest reality TV bollocks. By now Kate could only prepare the cake in 6 minute intervals which were fast becoming 5 minute intervals which really began to start freaking out our cat chloe. But instead of running off from this crazed creature emitting sounds only a midwife could understand Chloe did the opposite. She ran towards the source, trying to discover and help out her adopted mum by biting her softly on the arm and shoving her cat head in kates face. It was actually one of the most touching moments I've ever seen between woman and beast.

By now I was racing between oven ( I'd taken over cake duties), telephone to the hospital, and telephone to our doula Michelle. For those who don't know what a doula is, they are someone you employ to help you through Labour. Basically a hired support person and the best money I never spent. Thanks Jill and Lindsay for that, I don't think we could have got through without her.

By now it was all going crazy what with the cat, the contractions, the cake, the have we got everything packed, the can we come in to the hospital yet, the hope the car starts, and the oh my god what if it comes out right now, that we grabbed the keys and just like out of the scene of a film began the whole race to the hospital routine. All was going swimmingly until we got outside and discovered some roadwork had cut off the entrace to the emergency maternity drop off point and we had a to find a new route in. Under pressure to do something fast or risk a quick swipe from a posessed woman, I managed to find a car park only a short 80 metres from the entrance. But now the contractions were happenning every 2 minutes which means you have about 30 seconds of slow walk to make any progress. About ten minutes later we made it to the entrance only to arrive after hours and have to press a button and announce ourselves to the security guard who could quite easily see all the drama right in front of him. " Yes Can I help you?" he asked . "Damn right fucker open those doors before a major incident occurs to your face" I thought but calmly just asked him to open the doors. That he did, but not before Kate expressed her complete discust with a huge vomit right at the front door, followed by another vomit and another and another. By now the doors had shut again and I had to push the button and announce myself to the same security guard who was acting as if he coldn't see what was going on only 8 metres in front of him. One can only hope he had to clean up the vomit.

I'd love to say my work was done I'm off to the pub for a cigar and a beer but no this is not the 1950's. Michelle the doula arrived and we were now part of the get the baby out team. " Get me an epidural!" Kates contractions were now like something out of the entity. Nurse ratchett the midwife after looking at the birthplan said "yes, but it says here that you would like to try for a while without drugs and only have an epidural when the pain gets bad" Kate countered with a " I wrote that when I was at work I want an epidural get me an epidural, ed tell them I need an epidural" Knowing that my entire future was at stake I replied " Get her an epidural!"
But of course it was now 11am and just happenned to be one of RPA's busiest nights ever and try finding an anaethesist at that time on RPA's busiest night. Events now started to take on a very surreal quality. Machines going beep, Kate going " where's the epidural" all to the sound of Buddha Bar V111, a Cd I'm sure Kate will never let me listen to ever again. An hour later, 12 pm Kate was fully dilated and Michelle was thinking we would have a baby by 2am. Unfortunalely nobody had bothered to ask the baby. Kate was now in the catch 22 of having to let the epidural wear off so she can push, so she was really starting to feel the pain. 1am became 2 am became 3am and by now it was hard to know where we were. The baby had come down a fair way but seemed to be in the wrong position and no doctors were around because there were 5 other c sections going on thru the night. We were put on a holding pattern as the baby and Kate seemed to be doing relatively Ok. For us though it had become the night that would never end. Kate was being a trooper and pushing like a demon, much of it with the epidural having worn off. By 6 am Kate was utterly exhausted and nothing left in the tank and had understandely developed a fear to those contractions coming back. By now we had a doctor, there was a theatre empty and it was all systems go.

Off we went to the theatre where a cast of about 20 all dressed greys anatomy style awaited. The weird moments were coming thick and fast and already it's hard to remember them all. Before I knew it the curtain was up and they were trying a bit of suction. But this baby just didnt want to come out. The decision was finally made about 7.30 to go for a C section. Kate was really relieved. Medical Team B jumped on the scene and I made sure I wouldn't stand up and look over that curtain. At 8.16 am finally after more tugging and pulling we heard the infamous line. My god this Baby has a very big head. Kate and I both laughed and got a quick glimpse of the most outraged little face before she was whisked off for a quick clean. Dad went off to cut the cord (not sure it was actually attached to anything) and Mum was stitched up. Dad and baby then went off and had an hours quality time togethor and Little Ivy now knows all about the world and is already starting to recite a little bit of chaucer.

The midwifes are saying she looks like me ( lucky little sausage) but people do say babies look like they're fathers at first. So far she has hardly cried at all and seems to have a really relaxed temperament. Lets hope that lasts. ate is doing fine for someone who has experienced the worst of all the different aspects of labour, but she is loving her little package. If anyone wishes to visit just give me call first, We're at RPA ward 5 east and visiting hours are 2 til 8. Don't feel you have to visit as it really is a time for Kate to recover and learn how to look after her baby. But on the same note if you'd really like to, we'd love to see you

We decided to court a bit of controversy by giving the baby Kate's last name. We decided if it was a girl then it will be a Browne and if a boy then a holmes. Let's face it it's only fair after all Kate's been thru in the last few days. If we have another one it will be a Holmes. We wanted an old fashioned name and road tested quite a few and Ivy May is actually Kates grandmothers name. Ivy is also a name that appears quite a few times in my family tree and may is the name of my great Aunt who was a bit of a star of the family, and also one of my susters middle names. We also like the fact it's a flowers name but also not too popular at the moment.

Go Ivy go