The opposite end of travelling

Ivy working out the world

2012-01-06T19:38:00.000-08:00

Ivy looking at sea shells at the beach "Daddy.... the mermaids have lost a lot of jewellery"

Poppy looking at the umbrella "Mummy"

Daddy "Ivy why do you always want to watch TV?"
Ivy " I don't know... I guess I was just born that way"

Poppy after finishing her major work "Mummy"

Ivy after dribbling into her dinner "Daddy is that amazing?...Daddy "No it's disgusting"

"Daddy you be the monster and I'll be the princess"

Poppy after demolishing half a black forest cake " More"

Daddy "Ivy why do you always want to sleep with us?
Ivy " Because there's a gnome at the end of my bed"

Ivy after coughing "Daddy I'm coughing and it's making the bad dreams go away"

Shhhh....Great master at work

2011-12-27T17:39:00.000-08:00

Merry Xmas 2011

2011-12-27T17:35:00.000-08:00

Close your eyes johnny

2011-12-19T17:19:00.001-08:00

Young talent time is coming back and guess who's the unlucky sod that drew the short straw and got to do the shoot?... I was a countdown fan myself but in the end it was a whole load of fun, not to mention hard work.

50 extremely confident kids, their parents, a crew of thousands and more lights than the beginnings of the universe

poppy accelerates

2011-10-16T03:57:00.000-07:00

the quiet sweet little angel has become a take no prisoners outdoor adventurer... lord help us

Cyclonic winds, torrential rain, three daddies and the time of their lives

2011-10-01T17:46:00.000-07:00

Last time I went camping it was 32 degrees celcius at midnight, this time it was mini typhoons and flash floods. Ivy is well and truly a seasoned camper now.

the three daddy amigos Vishnu myself and Adrian decided after a week of great weather to go camping... unfortunately the weather changed as soon as we got on the boat.

All was fine until 3 in the morning when the tent started to lift off and other campers began evacuating to the toilet structures as the branches started to come down on the tents. We evacuated for 2o minutes as well but then the winds died down and it was just torrential rain.. a breeze for us seasoned outdoor types

Girls didn't mind one bit... in fact there were less tears than a normal weekend at home

Neighbours Flash mob

2011-09-20T04:43:00.000-07:00

A human statue, an opera singer, a beat boxer, 2 guitarists, 2 musical theatre singers, a gay choir, a mariachi band and 45 dancers wearing purple wigs

Just another day at the office

The Vic arts Centre in Melbourne was the venue and the idea was to surprise a neighbours cast member with our own reworked Neighbours tune

Poppy turns 1

2011-07-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

Princesses and superheroes

2011-06-08T04:21:00.000-07:00

Meet the Octonauts

2011-05-21T22:42:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard of the Octonauts yet..... then you're just not with it dude

Easter Games

2011-05-21T22:32:00.000-07:00

The ugliest smile in the world

2011-05-21T22:11:00.000-07:00

You know you are truly liked if poppy pulls out her ultimate weapon, the ugly smile.
a heavy dose of over the top theatre dramatics and she will have anyone in stitches. it's all about the creases in the nose

poppy at 9 months

2011-04-01T01:29:00.000-07:00

Summer days

2011-02-17T04:39:00.000-08:00

camping on the hottest night on record

2011-02-15T00:21:00.000-08:00

Whose brilliant idea was that? 33 degrees at midnight.... Oh well lucky the girls had a terrific time

A very flamenco christmas

2010-12-25T15:03:00.000-08:00

"Daddy... can we have Christmas again next week?"asked Ivy after possibly the greatest day of her life
not only did she manage to get more presents than the entire under 16 population of Ghana, but she also got to be a flamenco girl and 36 hours later she still is a flamenco girl
Her and cousin Josephine put on a show for us all

unfortunately for william it was girls only
Poppy didn't mind as long as there was pink tinsel around

Feliz Navidad

2010-12-10T18:35:00.000-08:00

Merry Xmas everyone and to celebrate poppy will not close her mouth until 2011.
Ivy will wear red until boxing day

and pull ridiculous smiles in all xmas photos

Angel child and her devil sister

2010-10-07T15:52:00.000-07:00

no prize for guessing who's who....

Ivy camps it up

2010-09-14T03:36:00.000-07:00

The fairy ring

2010-09-05T02:29:00.000-07:00

one of these photos was taken three years ago.....same outfit different baby
(the bottom one is Ivy 2007)

Is this the scariest doll in the whole world?

2010-07-26T02:39:00.000-07:00

Should I be concerned for my 3 year old daughter's obsessive love of her beloved "Jemima"?
Is she the evil fiend that will come haunt me in my dreams?

Don't judge a doll by her thinly shredded fabric.

Jemima is 38 years old and used to be Kate's when she was a little girl and now she's the most special thing in the whole wide world to little Ivy.... We just make sure she doesn't come out when guests come around

Poppy Sylvia Holmes

2010-07-12T18:06:00.000-07:00

8.41 am on the auspicious date of 7/7/10 Poppy Sylvia Holmes entered the world via a gaping wound made by the surgeons knife. If it sounds glamorous it was which brings us to her birth story
Her official due date was not until 26/7 and we had booked her in for an elected caeser on the 14th July. The damn upstart came a week earlier than that and well and truly caught us with our trousers down. We hadn't packed for hospital, installed the baby seat, or even contemplated that she might come a little early.... Hell I was even in the Grand Canyon a week before that. Note to parents take pregnancy seriously.

So there I was on wednesday morning lying in bed with Ivy at 4.30 am whilst kate was googling contractions and when to go to hospital. Eventually she decided to wake me up and inform she was in Labour we gathered what few things at 4am you consider important to take to a hospital, called the next do0r neighbour Chris for emergency babysitting and sped off in the saab like we were out of some lame early nineties Romantic comedy.
The early morning drive was of course surreal when you have a pregnant wife screaming in the seat beside you and all sorts of bleary eyed people are wandering the streets wondering if Germany will defeat Spain. Eventually we made it to the hospital, interrupted the mid wives engaged in world cup viewing and made the obstetrician cancel his trip to the airport.
Before I knew it we were sitting in surgery surrounded by people dressed in blue and about to have an emergency caeser. ( Kate of course knew all about it because she had been having 4 hours of contractions by now which wasn't part of her script). But She had finally turned a corner. For the first time in 10 months she didn't feel sick. There she was on the operating table with her belly being cut open and she casually remarked how wonderful she felt.

Before we knew it Poppy Sylvia popped her head out (big head actually but the rest of her very small) Coming in at 3.18 kilos and 50 cms long for statistics nerds.

Dad managed to do some complicated negotiating and got his choice of name (Poppy... kate succumbed and Olive will have to be the name of our next pet)
We have managed to produce children with extraordinary numerology. Ivy was 05/06/07 and now Poppy 07/07/10. It was enough for talk of a visit from the Panchen Lama.

In fact all was going swimmingly until poppy realised she was the second child with a diva older sister and decided to stage a dramatic I'm not going to breathe incident. This was followed by another the next day and was enough to send the ward and her parents into a spin....

Doctors running, nurses shouting, alarms buzzing and before we knew it she was in ICU linked up to all number of machines that well and truly go Bing.

After all manner of tests our little Frankenstein baby was finally released three days later with the quote of the week. "In a nutshell... we've spent an awful lot of time and money figuring out that your baby is absolutely normal" remarked the Doctor.

Talk about cutting down the tall poppy!

Now we're all home and I think the happiest person in the world is little Ivy who is still wondering where dad went that wednesday morning where he turned into the next door neighbour.

The great big hole in the ground

2010-06-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

Four hot, dry, days in a dirty dusty brown colord hole with 9 americans.... It sounds like hell.

Somehow Kate agreed to letting me go to a work conference in LA 4 weeks before she was due to give birth to our second child. She even agreed to letting me do a 4 day hike in the Grand canyon before it. What a woman

I flew into Flagstaff and the next day hiked from the rim down the supai canyon, A native American reservation to camp at the Hasavu falls.

It was everything you want on a desert hike. Water and lots of it

Last days of an only child

2010-06-14T00:40:00.000-07:00

yep... Ivy's in for a big shock...Soon her world will be invaded by some screaming little girl, stealing her daddy time.
so Ivy... if you're reading this in 20 years time you've probably got over it and hasn't it made you a better person
you never know you might even grow to like her

Camping with the chicks

2010-04-25T16:15:00.000-07:00

My good friend Richard and I found ourselves on a hot date with two young girls at the basin in Pittwater. Ivy and Ella were really impressed with all our outdoor skills, they laughed at all our jokes but most of all they thought our hats were really cool

In fact our date could not have gone better. The torrential rain forced us inside the tent by 7pm where we sang songs and snuggled up and the girls declared their undying love for us
they proved excellent campers helping out whenever they could
what more could you want from a 21st century girl?

Ivy May quotes of the month

2010-04-17T23:48:00.000-07:00

"Ivy, stop being so fussy!.... I'm not fussy, I mermaid"

"Ivy put your leglings (leggings) on!" "I not wear leglings ...I just wear legs"
" Daddy, my undies have gone silly" (upon feeling her undies disappear up her bum)
"You're doing a poo daddy! you make Ivy May so proud!"
"I want my daddy...The rotor steal my daddy... you give me my daddy back naughty rotor"

Barrington Tops

2010-03-09T22:23:00.001-08:00

The turning 40 festivities continued as we headed 5 hours north ( 1 hour out of Gloucester) for a farmstay in the Barrington tops.
While sydney sweltered we were sitting around log fires, chasing chickens, playing in the mud and having the time of our lives.
Ivy got to wear her mermaid gum boots so she was in Girlie heaven

The six foot track

2010-03-05T12:26:00.000-08:00

While most of my peers celebrating their 40th birthday probably enjoyed a 12 course degustation at a 3 hat michelin restaurant, I decided it time was go native.
My good friend Jens and I thought it was time for a brisk brokeback mountain style hike through the Aussie wilderness.
45 gruelling kilometres, all uphill, living off the land bear grills style, crossing rapids barefoot, scaling wobbly bridges and generally venturing where no 40 year old in their right mind would ever want to go
Yes the above bridge was just as wobbly as it looked
By the time we got to the campsite on the first night after being lost ( lucky a middle aged woman in a 4WD was able to alert us to the well signposted track) all was good. We celebrated by scoffing down a litre of wine each (I smuggled it into Jens pack, no wonder he was sweating so much) and we went on to get horribly drunk, not a good idea as the second day was a 22 km walk uphill all the worse with hangovers.

lucky we found some restorative mushrooms along the way and the world looked so much brighter
of course these wallabies were delicious to two men who hadn't eaten in a few days

and to finish off a great 3 days we had the restaurant in Jenolen caves all to ourselves. lucky cause I stunk like a mother f......

Butter wouldn't melt .....

2010-02-12T15:45:00.000-08:00

approximately 3 minutes after this angelic photo was taken the above assailant was seen rampaging through the local mini mart throwing teddy bears, laughing in the face of strangers tearing around in circles, running at full speed and hiding behind wine racks. All shouts of "stop it Ivy" in vain as the terrorosts ran rings around daddy.

Australia Day 2010

2010-01-27T00:34:00.000-08:00

To celebrate Australia day, Ivy returned from Kindy with two Aussie flags tattooed on her face and another two on her arms. This was particularly interesting when we went out for dinner and looked like the bogan parents from Cronulla. (overseas readers google Australian race riots)
It was also our paper wedding anniversary which we celebrated in style
The weekend also saw us in Nielsen Park where Kate vomited in front of everyone and told me off for not standing next to her. What is the correct etiquette for dealing with a pregnant wife publicly spewing?

What's that daddy?

2010-01-12T12:58:00.001-08:00

"What's that daddy?" asks Ivy referring to the crack in the concrete between the two giant slabs at the opera House. " That' the crack Ivy " replies daddy

"What's that Daddy?" asks Ivy referring to the metal grate on the sink that stops the food going through. "That's the plug" I reply trying to sound convincing ...

"What's that daddy?" pointing to the bulby thing on the end of a lamp..." "some kind of bulby thing on the end of a lamp"... is the best I can muster

" What's that Daddy" she asks referring to the lumpy thing on the floor in a car between the two seats

"ummmmmmm , that's the thing that separates the two seats" I offer

" What's that Daddy?"demands Ivy examining the section of the coffee table that overhangs the floor

"That's the coffee table darling"

and I thought "Why's that daddy?" was going to be the tough stage....

It's official

2010-01-11T23:04:00.000-08:00

Coming this July ... sleepless nights, and a new baby sibling for Ivy.

Thank Mary it's not twins and Yay for us.

Big train, Ferry boat and OHHHPPPEEERRRAAHHH House

2010-01-06T11:25:00.000-08:00

It's just like all wanky travellers say "it's the journey not the destination" as so it goes for toddlers. We were off to the opera house but it was the big train, the ferry boat and the bus that was the real attraction
In between tantrums we did manage to get some great shots though
astute observers will notice the band aid obsession going on.

Mermaids and sea cows

2010-01-03T11:29:00.000-08:00

Mermaid syndrome is where previously balanced two year olds suddenly become psychotic after seeing a human with a tail (usually in cartoon form). The psychosis is characterized by an intense love for all things fishy most notably a sea creature with human characteristics, ie head and waist.

Unlike pirate syndrome, sufferers don't develop exotic "sea accents" but mainly they exhibit a need to swim on dry land, shout mantras such as "I am mermaid" at the top of their voice to passing strangers and decorate their faces with floral underwater patterns. Other psychotic episodes include shouting "I am beautiful mythological aquatic creature and you are sea cow"this is usually directed to their mother.

Although no actual physical changes occur, young mermaids are convinced they have a tail, the ability to breathe underwater and most of all woo, young handsome princes passing by on their way to save the great underwater world.

Most cases are usually curable although it is known to develop into other new age psychosis in later life ... see Byron Bay Syndrome

NEW Year fashions.. a sneak peak

2009-12-28T20:37:00.001-08:00

Ivy May Browne showing off the latest straight from the toddler catwalk

A very Dora christmas

2009-12-25T21:49:00.001-08:00

Twas the 1st night of christmas and my true love gave to me ...

1 Dora laptop, 2 Dora pyjamas, 3 Dora dolls, 4 Dora pyjamas, 5 Dora DVD's, 6 Dora balloons, 7 Dora stickers 8 Dora blow outs and a pair of fluffy Dora undies
Muchas gracias Dora for making Ivy's christmas such a special event.

The happiest place in the world

2009-10-24T19:27:00.000-07:00

Big Face Big Face Big face! That's right Ivy the big face is the happiest place in the world. Except of course when some smart arse kid high on fairy floss shoves past and takes the last place on the ferris wheel.
It was Ivy's first visit to Luna Park. First stop was Coney island and my favourite bit of technology ever invented. It is of course the incredible Green Ray Machine. Perhaps the only one left in the world, this machine can interpret your mind and deliver a reading in less than 30 seconds (as long as you follow the instructions)

"For a true reading insert one penny in the slot and stand in front of the green Ray. If you fail to carry out these instructions the reading will be a poor one" reads the inscription. I was first and after reading my thoughts a card was delivered.... "If you've got it flaunt it" This will now be my mantra for the next 6 months.

Ivy of course was more interested in the sex appeal machine. She put her hand in the slot and achieved a reading of .....
Just under 2. This makes her frigid and makes her daddy very happy.
The rest of the day was spent pushing over people on stilts, throwing cakes at clowns and vomiting on the rotor. What more can you ask for from the world's happiest place, big face.

The day the earth stood still

2009-09-26T22:19:00.001-07:00

Every two years a work colleague of mine pays a window cleaner a fairly hefty sum to do all the windows in his house. That day was last Tuesday. Now referred to as "the day before Sydney's greatest dust storm". That man is welsh... need I say any more

Normally people fly to South Australia for a visit, but on this day South Australia decided to come to us. Lake Eyre apparently, or the dusty remnants of it. Waking up at 5.30 am, as we parents normally do, we were treated to the sight of something apparently no one in this emerald city has ever seen before.... Me in my pyjamas

At the zoo

2009-09-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

It was Ivy's first real zoo adventure and it has to be said that she made an absolute monkey of herself.... sure there was a bit of of horsing round and general fishy business but ultimately it was unbearable. Much like the entrance fee of $45 per adult plus another $15 for parking and then your $4.50 for a bottle of water to look at the back of someone looking at the back of someone looking at the baby elephant. But whoever said I was a cynic? For me it was a chance to take the wife, the kid and the toy snake on a lovely Sunday adventure.

Island time

2009-08-23T14:05:00.001-07:00

We just got back from 10 nights in Vanuatu, a parents wet dream of a holiday. 3 hour flight, only one hour time difference and two whole rooms which meant both Ivy and her parents could sleep in peace
also starring the most incredible starfish Ivy has ever seen" schhsssttaarrr feeessshhh"
Geography enthusiasts would have noticed the starfish aligned in the shape of the Vanuatu island archipelago
oops, left off pentecost island, thanks Ivy for fixing that up for me
One island to get yourself excited about is hideaway island below, famous for being hidden away and impossible to find

Our first night at the hotel a melbourne couple decided to get married in our honour
which is quite lucky as Vanuatu is famous for its cannibals, the last recorded case being in 1985
mmm and that's the last recorded case
aren't Ivy's cheeks yummy, throw in some celeriac puree, black truffles and goats cheese mash voila... Vatu's your uncle
speaking of food... it really made us appreciate what we have here
but I never said that to the guy in the above picture
the groom surprised his wife to be with the wedding two days prior to the big day. being Italian, his mum will never be able to forgive him

Ivy before we put her in the great big pot

Ivy teaching the kids about schhtaarrrfeeesh
and some breaking news from the pacific rim

my daddy and me

2009-08-08T01:44:00.000-07:00

A selection of photos from daddy day outs from the last couple of months

Van Diemens land

2009-07-13T23:36:00.000-07:00

After tying up Ivy in the shed we headed off to Tasmania for 3 days for a belated honeymoon.
Free from our slave driver we could sample the delights of Hobart and answer the question everyone always asks about the apple Isle, Do all Tasmanians have two heads?
as you can see from the following shots there are actually no Tasmanians living in Tasmania so I have filled the rest of this blog with photos of Kate and I trying to look cool whilst wondering where in Tasmania have all the Tasmanians gone

The $2.50 day out

2009-07-07T20:03:00.000-07:00

Sunday is recession buster day and for the tidy sum of $2.50 you can take your child anywhere in Sydney you like, be it train, ferry, tram, bus, even telephone booth, except you don't see too many of these around any more.

As for us... we chose ferry to Darling Harbour and back followed by escalator... this proved to be ivy's favourite by far

Ivy may turns 2

2009-06-08T00:53:00.001-07:00

Diary of a lazy blogger

2009-05-02T17:26:00.000-07:00

Coolest wedding on the hottest day of the year

2009-02-13T16:05:00.000-08:00

The Birds Christmas message 2008

2008-12-06T20:18:00.000-08:00

Toddlers of the world unite and lend me your teddies

It has been a great year of change...

One small step for a baby was a giant leap for it's parents.

But with this great change has come great repression

As I grow up and learn more about my world all I am hearing is No you can't...

Well my friends, I'm here to tell you... Yes I can

My parents say I shouldn't draw on the kitchen walls

Yes I can

They tell me I shouldn't pull the cat's tail

Yes I can

They say I shouldn't stand up in the bath, throw my food on the floor,

scream when I don't get what I want

Yes I can

So fellow babies, this Christmas when your repressive parents shout out No you can't

I want you to stand up, take off your bib and shout out in your loudest baby voice

Yes I will

Because I know how things can change...

I Know my parents will change

Yes they will

Merry Xmas everybody

silly games with Dad

2008-11-22T17:59:00.000-08:00

My Dad's a lazy blogger

2008-11-03T00:57:00.000-08:00

Apologies for the lack of blogging but here are some objective photos

of the world's most beautiful baby

secret society of spiders

2008-10-18T16:15:00.000-07:00

There is a group of babies belonging to this unique and mysterious cult. Started in September 2008 the group forages around childcare centres communicating by a series of enigmatic signs.

Easily tamed with food or a greeting of the cross to the forehead, this group is considered tame to most humans. Their charismatic leader Ivy May, on the other hand, is to be approached with the utmost caution.

One wrong move and this could be the last thing you see

Love at first sight

2008-08-30T15:47:00.000-07:00

From the moment they caught each others eye, they just knew

it would end in a kiss

It took an afternoon at Fox studios for ivy to find her true love

and this kind of love is destined to last forever

Houston, we have a walker

2008-07-18T18:55:00.001-07:00

One small step for bird... one giant step for Ivykind.

At 13 and a half months Ivy has taken her first steps.... Yay for Ivy.

It happened as some of Kate's extended family came over one friday. Lucky I took the day off work. She definitely knows how to please a crowd that daughter of mine.

She'll be running the 100 in under ten before you know it

Helping Michael Jackson walk again

2008-07-10T21:36:00.000-07:00

In the tradition of catholic world youth day and the church of hillsong rip of youth year I thought it was holy time to bring a bunch of idealistic youth together, praise our lord Michael Jackson and then crush their spirits by putting them in a channel Ten Australian Idol promotion

Like lambs to the slaughter they gave their all, parting the holy reality Tv sea.

And it seems alas a miracle has happened.

His holiness Michael Jackson, currently wheelchair bound and hurting, has been yearning for something to raise his spirits. A screening was organised for the holy father and reports are that a white glove was raised in the air in triumph after hearing those angelic voices.

but don't just take my word for it. You too could have your spirit awakened by this joyful promotion. Log into the address below but it comes with a warning.

www.youtube.com/ten

I accept no responsibility if you start saying no to condoms and purchasing cloth Jesus lookalikes made in china and a holy bargain at 89.95.

and for those truly righteous log onto the australian idol website and you can see the making of the making of the promo.

and thanks to Jackie chan who took time out from his latest action flick for taking the photos.

he also does wedding parties anything

Ivy may, today is your naming day

2008-06-13T17:43:00.000-07:00

As parents it was our own personal everest... making it thru 365 days and nights to Ivy May's first birthday. To celebrate we hosted a baby naming at our place to put a little bit of formality in the day. It was a great success with the last guests leaving at 10.00 pm, all the food being eaten, all the grog drunk and every generation represented from Kate's Uncle john at 85 to little baby William at 3 months.

Kate made a lady bird cake which literally took the cake, Ivy got lots of lovely presents plus a name. Mucho gracias to Megan for being our celebrant and thanks to everyone who came...

I for one had a great day

Qantas hostage drama takes it toll

2008-05-28T02:23:00.000-07:00

With recent rising fuel costs it seems Qantas has come up with an ingenious solution to keeping profits in the black. Keep the passengers locked up in a plane on the tarmac until completely broken down they will surrender and haul themselves over to the virgin desk to book themselves another flight out of there. Perhaps this explains the new route Sydney - Guantanamo Bay, via Perth which was the flight I was on last Friday.

It all began on the Thursday when my colleague Spratty and myself treated ourselves to cook your own toast and crap coffee in the very exclusive qantas lounge whilst waiting for a our 8.45 flight to leave. We then experienced a bit of departure time creep... boarding 9.45, 10.30, 11.45, 12.30, 1.45, we finally left at 3.30pm. Not that I'm complaining. I'd rather be delayed a few hours than be the special guest star onAir crash investigations. I turned the other cheek and we went on our way. It was the flight on the way back I really objected too.

Departure was at 4.00pm Friday. Thankfully I found out in advance from a work friend that the flight was delayed until midnight. I went out to dinner, had a few drinks and went to the a airport ready for my red eye delayed special. It was then that we found out flight was diverted to Abu Graib. The torture began when they started messing with our heads Your attention please passengers... Qantas apologises for the inconvenience... we're having

a few problems with the fuel injection on engine number 4... we apologise for not communicating with you for the last 4 hours but we didn't want to pay for a night accommodation in perth etc etc

By now it was 4 in the morning and the sleep deprivation approach was really working. We'd been on the tarmac for the 3 and a half hours and hadn't been allowed off and were now taxi-ing back to the gate. By now I'd become some zombie like creature out of I am legend with the glazed eyes smelly underarms, bad breath, rumpled clothes ready to attack anyone with a qantas logo on their blazer. Thankfully I received a $7 refreshment voucher. After shelling out 4.80 for a regular coffee I was ready to strangle any flying kangaroo who happened to cross my path. Once again Qantas apologised for the inconveneice but I coudn't really give a shit. I had now been standing in a queue trying to book a flight out of there for 2 and a half hours. Apparently there were 4 seats free on jetstar flight at midday. That got the 282 passengers in front of me really excited. By now we'd been divided into two groups, platinum frequent flyers and those who were still assessed to be terrorist risks. It was impossible to leave the queue to go to the toilet as sods law has it that will be the moment the queues actually starts moving. Finally at about 9am I found myself on a new flight out of there. My return flight to perth consisted of 33 hours waiting/ flying time. Actual time in Perth not in an airport was 24 hours.

Time for Teletubbies

2008-05-03T14:44:00.000-07:00

A mysterious looking alien phone rises out of a futuristic dome set in green landscaped hills, a self propelled vacuum cleaner with a long nose and the name nu nu sucks up some clothes and 4 colourful alien looking creatures complete with antennae's are cooking toast with smiling faces on it..."mmm tubby toast looks great doesn't it" whispers Kate.

It's time for teletubbies alright.

Previously I have usually only ever viewed teletubbies or teledo'mboqlar for any uzbek readers, after a massive night out on the turps and then the true meaning of the Tubbies was open to a slightly different interpretation. But now I am an avid viewer, often to be heard singing along to the catchy tune at the beginning (much to the chagrin and window closing of the young blokey neighbours next door).

My enthusiasm, however, is completely surpassed by little Ivy May age 11 months. Our tiny bird, whose average attention span is the time it takes the remote control to fall off the coffee table, is completely mesmerised by the strange mystical powers of Tinky Winky, Laa Laa, Ditsy and Po.

She can and does sit there transfixed without a sound for tens of minutes until finally a massive chuckle bubbles up, usually at the appearance of a radiant sun with a grinning toddler s face superimposed.

But even more amazing is that when, finally, Ivy's attention is diverted by some sparkly object on the floor, her mother continues to be hypnotised muttering "I wish I could live in the tubbytronic superdome" Those cognitive psychologists have a lot to answer for.

But it seems we're not the only ones obsessed by the whole teletubbie phenomenon. The late reverend Jerry Falwell ignited debate by accusing Tinky Winky the purple handbag carrying teletubbie of being a tool of homosexual criminal minds pushing their gay agenda. Apparently his triangular antennae is a bit of a give-away. This has been taken to the next level by the polish government who has hired psychologists to evaluate the effect on children's minds of this evil corrupt tubtronic behaviour. Thankfully sanity was restored when the boys from the chaser dressed up last year as Tinky Winky and crashed a gay club and a polish club. Apparently Tinky Winky was well received at both venues.

Listen for the Horses

2008-04-20T15:02:00.000-07:00

When it comes to a sense of smell, little Ivy May can sit in her soiled nappies all day long and not give a whiff. She's would be perfectly happy holidaying next to a sewerage works. But Sense of sound is a different matter. Like an apache listening to the approach of the cavalry, she can sense a plane overhead long before it hits Parramatta, mum and dad tiptoeing to the toilet at 4 in the morning and little big ears has acknowledged that squeaky floorboard before we can whisper an expletive. Her latest thing is to put her ear to the ground like she's in some crap 1950's western.

But she's definitely coming along in leaps and bounds. Pulling herself up, crawling like a demon, squealing like the beatles just rocked into town when we we sing along to our favourite wiggles anthem. The contribution Toot toot chugga chugga big red car has made to modern music I feel has been underestimated.

Kingdom of Thailand receives royal visit

2008-03-29T14:08:00.000-07:00

4th century Thai legend has it that one day a princess baby will come from afar, across the sea, descend from the sky, give her royal blessing and be their saviour. According to the great texts, this God in baby form will have chubby cheeks, long eyelashes and go by the name of Ivy may.

Last week this great Thai prophecy was said to have come true.

From the moment we arrived the people cheered , shouted her name and lauded her beauty. Businessmen were stopped in their tracks, teenage girls took her photo on their mobiles and wise old grandmothers nodded their wise old heads in approval.

The god baby conducted herself in the most royal of ways. A slight tilt of the head to acknowledge police officials, a wave to their cheering crowds in the market, and a slight nod at the opening of a factory were all said to exhilarate the thousands who had flocked to see the royal visitor.

Many of the onlookers were hoping to receive a royal blessing which is said to bring peace and prosperity

For many a kiss on the lips with the royal saviour will release them from all their sins in this lifetime

For us the keepers of the royal child unfortunately life wasn't so royal. We were constantly chided for the god baby being so fat.

the God baby also decided that sleep was only a necessity for human babies and hence decided on a course of non stop thai party to celebrate her arrival on the human planet

It was after 7 days of mass celebrations that us the keepers of the Golden child decided to embark on the hugely unpopular decision to bring the golden child home early

despite mass protests from the local thai people and also the god child herself she returned to sydney unharmed and slept in one night more than she slept on the entire royal visit

We were only allowed to leave with promises that we return next year which surely after such a warm reception we will. That is if the God baby herself decides we will be allowed to

What a crawler

2008-03-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

Before yesterday, the only crawling she was doing was to her Grandma handing out big smiles on demand. But now Ivy is officially crawling and loving it. For other baby milestone spotters her top teeth have started growing through as well. Go Ivy go

When two tribes go to lunch

2008-03-14T21:50:00.000-07:00

The Browne clan joined the Holmes clan to celebrate Kate's birthday 7th march and my birthday 9th of march. We went to the local Castel mola (Castle of moles) and good food was had by all. Probably my most interesting present was a bottle of absinthe.... It used to be the drink of choice amongst artists and lesbians in Gay paris in the twenties. After being banned for 80 years it seems to be back. Kate's brother in law Stephen managed to find it .... cheers for that

Ed's Saturday shopping list

2008-03-14T21:44:00.000-07:00

G'day mate, got a bit of an embarrassing shopping list today....

nipple shields x 2

thrush cream

anaesthetic nipple cream

cabbage

heat pack for sore breast

the good news is that Kate has now pretty much recovered from her mastitis and the Thaialnd trip is all systems go from next friday. Lets hope it's a good Friday especially with a nine month old and 9 hour plane trip

Scary new computer

2008-03-14T14:51:00.000-07:00

I have just been completely blown away by our new Apple computer, especially the new photo booth option. Hours of fun for kiddies and adults alike. Is it just me or have computers come a long way in 4 years. The series of photos on this blog were made in about 5 minutes.Now i'm sure all you readers of the future looking back on my quaint little blog won't find this so interesting but us 21st century types find it quite unbelievable. personally I still find it difficult to describe how fax technology works to a third world rice farmer. in fact I'm blown away by telephones.... as for radio my god.... and cameras.... but digitally enhanced images sent from my computer thru space to everyone in the world who cares to see with a click of a button... now that is scary

even my nephew James who was born this century fails to comprehend
it's enough to alter your view of reality

The day of the brilliant path

2008-03-08T15:04:00.000-08:00

Parents of geniuses often remark upon when they first discovered their child was a genius. For me it wasn't when I saw Ivy flicking through "a study of genius" in between vomits on the lounge room floor. Sure she rolled to the bookshelf selected which book took her fancy and it just so happened to be "a study of genius". (just what this book was doing on our bookshelf is a mystery but obviously it's one of Kate's pretentious college arthouse showy offy books!

But how did I come to the realisation of Ivy's future genius abilities?

It was when I consulted the Birthday book, a far more reliable source of finding geniuses, where each persons birthday is summarised with their personality description. Kate is the day of Abstract structure, brilliantly correct for anyone who's seen a day in the life of such a complex individual. Mine is the day of the space voyager which once again absolutely spot on target. But what about Ivy? Flicking over to the auspicious birth date of 05/06/07 and I come across the Day of the Brilliant Path. Energetic, systematic, quick witted, obviously traits she inherits from her father, whilst anxious, chaotic and bewildered being the traits she inherited from her mother.

so how do I the space voyager balance the demands of abstract structure? Easy simply follow the teachings of the brilliant path because according the brilliant path the movement of music happens not in the notes themselves but in the silences in between.

"You blokes on strike or something?"

2008-02-19T19:32:00.000-08:00

There I was sitting on a a comfy bench in Parliament house on February 13, national laugh at John Howard day, when Kevin 07 saunters along, fires off a quick joke to myself and colleague Martin before heading on his way to sign the sorry declaration. We were on a whistle-stop tour of all the channel ten newsrooms (Brisbane, Melbourne, Canberra) and were hoping to film the prime minister in action. His infamous "you blokes on strike or something " line hilarious for the fact that we were'nt actually filming him but instead lazing around on the couch people watching. But what people watching it was... first came Julia Gillard with her proud parents on either arm... she gave me a big smile, then came Julie Bishop, 3 generations of Mclellands, Bob Brown, and then mid conversation with Martin he gets distracted and mutters a hey Bobby how ya going as if just running into a long lost friend delivered in his finest Cronulla accent. It was of course Bob Hawke, who as I later found had no idea who Martin was. This was due to the fact they had never met and Martin had fallen for the whole I recognise you and I'll absentmindedly say hello and then realise afterwards that I don't actually know you. But back to Kevin's little joke.

The reason we couldn't film him was that we were inside the restricted area of the house where you cant film. Kevin being Kevin still doesn't realize this, his press secretary informed us. One channel ten crew had been given permission to film the sorry declaration walk for all the other networks and we were hoping to attach ourselves to this crew and film the crew filming Kevin. I was hoping it would make great footage for the news promotion I'm making. Unfortunately the speaker of the house intervened and even though Kevin's office was keen, the speaker wasn't so there we were on that famous couch.

It was a great trip though getting a fly on the wall peak at how TV newsrooms work and especially inside the Canberra Press gallery where we hung out for 2 days. It was also great to be there on such an historic occasion and mixing with indigenous Australians something which rarely happens to us inner city types

The fat baby files

2008-02-10T02:03:00.000-08:00

It's the time in all our lives we'd all prefer to forget. You've been scoffing down mothers milk for 8 or so months and the word exercise hasn't even been invented yet... Yet when Ivy looks back o her dads blog 20 years from now she'll be horrified to think I've done an entry entirely on how fat she is.

I'm sure in two months she'll be sprinting up the hallway but at the moment she's a little fatty with cheeks two blocks away. Yep that's right but I'm sure she'll have the last laugh when in twenty years time I'll be a fat old dad and technology has completely bypassed blogging where with one click of her fingers she can she can change her baby aspect ratio quicker than she can say keep those dad jokes coming stupid old fat dad.
Lucky she's so cute

Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da Da

2008-01-25T15:33:00.000-08:00

Either my daughter has just mastered the Russian language or I do believe she has started muttering her first words... In fact if you look closely and listen keenly she is actually saying Dad Dad Dad You're the best dad in the whole world Dad. It's just happened to strangely coincide with the day I was flicking through my mothers birth book which was written by my Grandmother in 1929. And like some kind of weird time capsule it has transported me back in time linking me with two generations past. According to grandmother Eileen, Mother Sylvia muttered her first da da da's at aged 9 months... I'vy's come in at 7 and a half months ( yet another example of the genius child we're raising)

It's such a little treasure with all sorts of gems... like my mother Sylvia being a "bonny baby" and when the bonny baby took her first steps my grandparents planted trees on their farm in Mudgee to commemorate the event. The amazing thing about the book is it just reminds you that as time goes by nothing really changes. Sure we think the world is so modern, but really we're just doing exactly the same thing as other humans have been for the past 10,000 years.

Kate Browne lighting up your screens

2008-01-13T12:45:00.001-08:00

for an exclusive sneak peak of this years latest Nat geo ad sensation featuring Kate Im no extra Browne check out the following link

http://www.yousendit.com/download/bkhmK0d2cGtveFBIRGc9PQ

Hot town summer in the Sydney

2008-01-12T11:29:00.000-08:00

2007 is over and we passed it in style. In fact all three of us were in bed by 10.30. Kate and I opened a nice bottle of sparkling merlot, smoked a joint, lay in hammocks and fried up a bit of haloumi on the BBQ. There were no queues for beer, no vomit laden toilets, no tossers shouting aussie aussie , no 2 hour waits for taxis, no 100 dollar tickets to enter a crap venue, and no pressure to have the best night you've ever had. Perfect way to kick off summer in 2008 in Sydney

Family christmas lunch

2007-12-25T13:10:00.000-08:00

I'm pleased to report back that the Family Christmas lunch was what it was every year. Lovely.

In fact we're thinking of audtioning for a disney Christmas 2008. There were no conniving distant cousins, no drunken rumour-mongering aunts, no matriarchal martyr or vengeful ex-husbands, not a sniff of a neanderthal nephew on weekend detention. In fact so unlike the jerry Springer show was my christmas that it was almost a cliche. Just the way I like it .

The event this year was held at my sister Jessica's place. For this reason we also celebrated

Saturnalia, Yule, the Mesopotamian Zagmuk and drank toasts to Ishtar, El Gabal, Mithra, Buddha, his cat and various Gods, Demi-Gods, and any ousted Liberal party leaders who happenned to be wandering past. All this was done standing on one foot whispering a mantra celebrating the timeless universal actions of the contrating elements of the cosmos and how they manifest themselves into Jessica's Garden.

In conclusion, merry xmas to all, good will to all neighbours (except those Neighbours that go on to less than illustrious musical singing careers) and death to all contestants from Australian idol. Ho ho ho

Deck the halls with Ivy

2007-12-25T12:39:00.000-08:00

Santa came early to James St on Christmas day. So early he woke Ivy up and by seven am we had unwrapped all the presents sung a few carols and even joined Boy George, Bono and Sting in a rousing rendition of feed the world.

Ivy proved to be an extremely gifted present open upererer. She loves the taste of paper, the scrunchy sounds it makes and the fact that her parents suddenly decided lying on the floor is an extremely interesting pastime.

The Birds Christmas message

2007-12-23T16:11:00.001-08:00

After entering this world on the auspicious date of 05/06/07, I have seen many things. I have sat and observed, taken things in and pushed things out the other end.

I have seen a kind world.

A world where strangers greet me with a smile. Where people just want to touch me, give me gifts and sing stupid songs to me. A place where people want to rock me, show me off and present me with gifts. They will feed me, clothe me and entertain me and all they want in return is a smile. This truly is a great world.

But sadly this world is not going to last.

Every day it changes.

Every day people become less interested in this world, no longer giving me the same attention as before. As I get older, people don't seem as interested any more. The world is changing. This is why I urge all of you to conserve this world. Do what you can to keep it the same because I love being carried around, I love being fed, sung to and smiled at. People everyhere I go are kind and ask all sorts of interested questions about me. It truly is a wonderful world... let's keep it that way

Australia's next top extra

2007-12-23T14:09:00.001-08:00

Renowned international director Bill the queen Mcqueen, had just flown into sydney via Hong kong, Mumbai and Bangkok to film the latest installment of his eagerly awaited Nokia get lost campaign with local identity extra Kate Browne, when Sydney decided to remind Bill of the complexities of filming outside during storm season. But Bill fresh from filming during a snow storm in Northern India proved unflappable delivering a 45 second commercial under budget and shot within 2 days on a shoestring budget. His big find was Kate I'm such a good extra Browne who despite being a novice driver, was still able to drive a saab convertible mulitple times over the Sydney harbour bridge, whilst two nice young gents shouted at her to smile. Untethered surfboard in the back , it should have been a car ad, not a phone ad. But all this was no problem for the true professional Browne who despite it her first time driving over the bridge, still pulled it off with that trademark smiling head turn of hers.

The shoot finishishing seconds before storms settled in for three weeks was also notable for the inclusion of newcomers Ed I'm quite handsome Holmes and his daughter appearing in her inaugural television debut Ivy may the bird Browne. Quite a family affair, the whole thing reeked of nepotism and can be seen coming to a National Geographic Channel near you.

"Paul Stanley... You ride for free son"

2007-12-16T17:45:00.000-08:00

Those were the infamous words muttered to me by the light rail ticket collector as the clock struck midnight and the make up was running down my face in the packed compartment coming home from The Channel Ten Xmas party. For those of you not yet born in the eighties Paul Stanley was one of the members of Kiss who looked a lot like the handsome devil in the picture above. (one on the right you fools). The theme was eighties and there and there was no holding back. In fact I was rtather under dressed for the night. My highlight was the walk to the party thru Darling harbour and getting my picture taken by about 10 Japanese schoolgirls.
Hooray for daggy Xmas parties

Congratulations Mr Rudd

2007-12-03T12:32:00.000-08:00

Not meaning to offend any liberal party leaning readers but hooray for Kevin. Yippeeeee and thank god I never have to hear another word from that morally bankrupt ex prime minister... what was his name again? Emma and Erin joined us for what was one of the more rowdier 4 people gatherings with hannah on the line from Germany enjoying every minute. A better nights entertainment watching the telly I havent had in years. In other news as can be seen friom the photo below I'm living with 2 peas in a pod. Ivy is eating solids which also means she's pooing solids, which means my job as doting dad has just got a whole lot harder. Every morning I'm aiming mashed up carrot into a small swivelling giggling hole and then cleaning up the smelly mess a few hours later.

and that's it I'm afraid what with facebook, baby, blog, work, life, Xmas parties and scientology inductions, life's just sooooo busy

Byron Bay , raining one day, raining the next

2007-11-11T22:41:00.000-08:00

It was to be 10 days of tropical sunshine in Australia's coolest and most relaxing beachside mecca. The boardies were packed, as was the sunscreen, the hammock, and the attitude to take it easy with the beautiful people (my common law wife kate, baby daughter Ivy, with honourable mentions to my sister Meredith and brother in law Colin plus nephews James and David).

But alas the gods were offended. Our roadtrip started perfectly if you don't take into account the weather as we drove up to Bellingen, a 6 hour drive of which we were quite fearful,having the 5 month old baby Ivy May Bird in the back seat. But like her parents she proved to a great traveller snoring her way up the pacific highway to beautiful Bellingen. In fact she enjoyed the travelling so much she decided to sing at the top of her voice all night long for the next 2 nights but that's another story.

Bellingen is where Eucalyptus was never filmed, where David Helfcott likes to play Rachmanivov, where George Negus used to live and where the most recent Aussie digger killed in Afghanistan hailed from. It's also gateway to the Dorrigo national park where adventurous parent types can stroll with strollers through leach infested rainforest swamps, thank god for the fuel injected mountain buggy.

It was here that Kate, afraid of no creepy crawly Browne, revealed her phobia of leaches. You've never seen such a sight as a grown woman hopping about begging me to get rid of that cute little leach. My lovely little vegetarian was yelling blue murder.

After Bellingen we headed off to Byron where we caught up with my relo's and where the rain continued. Lots of nice eating, walking in the rain, massages and walks. We then relocated to the foothills near bangalow and stayed in a beautiful farm where we got to pat goats and stare at cows. We even managed a roadtrip to Brisbane to visit Pete the tallest man in Africa trout and his new wife Natasha in their gorgeous house in Brisvegas. Pete who is really keen to have kids was a natural with Ivy May (if you don't count crying).

Then we headed back down to Bellingen again for some more rain and general chilling out. The highlight of the trip had to be Ivy may and her learning to roll over. It was just a joy to watch and to spend time hanging out with my daughter. It makes you realise how much Dad's miss.

Ivy idol

2007-09-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

The secret....

to great parenting I've discovered...

is song.

Tunes, melodies, poetry that don't rhyme. It doesn't matter. As long as it's done with enthusiasm and a silly face you're in the baby business. All that matters is Can you produce it on demand, the audience is always ready. I'm up there with the worst of them, off key, flat,

tone deaf, but when it comes to an audience that delivers beatles enthusiasm for any crap rendition then I'm up with the best of them. And don't she love it. I am indeed a rock god

20 year school reunion

2007-09-30T21:02:00.000-07:00

It's 4am in the morning, I have a 4 month old daughter waiting at home but here I am dancing to tainted Love, skulling shots of sambuca, and pulling off dance manouevres the 18 year old Eddy holmes would indeed be proud of. How time flies. It's been 20 years since we've all left school and gone on to bigger and better things. Take Shaun Chambers for example, He's a garbo making 2 grand a week, "best fucking thing I've ever done mate", even if he did find a dead body on one of his runs last year. It was great talking to Barry Cheung who used to used to dress up in Ninja outfits and stand quietly in our rooms without us knowing about it. When quizzed on how many times he did it to me he said he can't remember but probably a couple.

Oh how we reminisced. Brett Humphreys remembered the time the bong fell out of the fireplace when the housemaster walked in. "No sir we have no idea why an orchy bottle would have a piece of rubber hanging out of it sir". Miles Mason incurred the wrath of all the boarders when he said the food wasn't that bad at school.

I had a great argument with right winger farmers party man Ronny Mccalman about how brilliant the iraqi invasion was. Bec Bosley was in great form, 4 children down and dressed to make number 5.

Great to talk to Rob oakeshott, now a state MP, he remembered how he starred nude in a short film 19 years before the invention of youtube. He enjoyed the front page headline in his electorate when someone discovered it last week.

Then there was Brett Jackson veteran of 10,000 great nights out still burning up the dance floor. Boo Ross bitching about her husbands bicycle obsession, Mark Lacey about how your sexlife dries up once you have kids and then it all fades into a blur as dancing queen comes in. It is the truly bizarre to enter a room of people you knew really well 20 years ago. Wouldn't have missed it for quids and had a ball catching up with everyone. Good on you barker 1987!!!

Californicating catholics

2007-09-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

Ever since I started at TEN life has just been one big drama, one big comedy drama I should say. Californication.... a dirty word for some a very funny show for others, and quite a minefield to make trailers for. With the censors over my shoulder we've been churning out promos which have been getting quite a bit of press. In fact the catholics have just started holding candelit vigils outsode channel ten headquarters every time the show airs. What Losers. None of them have even seen the intelligent design of this show but tell that to Father John Fongemie who's leading the spiritual battle for our souls outside. Even Helen Coonans been on the case calling meetings and the CEO has been labelled a pornographer. All quite amusing really. I mean a couple of boobs on the telly at 9.45 at night isn't nearly as bad as a prostitute brutally murdered in the first five minutes of every crime show with the initials CSI SVU NCIS CI. But tell that to catholics.... inquisitions are in boobs are out. Oh well in my opinion the show is nothing more than sex and the city, Big Love, or six feet under and it's nice to have a show that appeals to adult humour. But then I would say that.... I'm making the trailers and the catholics are watching.

message from Ivy may to all blog readers

2007-09-03T14:31:00.000-07:00

gidddeeeeeeeeeegiddddeeeeeeeeee

wwwwwaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh get that crazy man away from me

gogglee gogglee goggleee i love my daddy goggglllegoppp gopppp gopppp

gidddeeeeeeeeeegiddddeeeeeeeeee

gop

geeeheeegeeeerheeeemummmy's very silly geeee heeeee eeeeee

She's just growing up way too quickly

2007-08-04T17:59:00.000-07:00

Can somebody please conjur up some magic and freeze my daughters development in time cause she's just sooo cute. ( sorry new parent... makes you sick doesn't it) Ivy May is now 8 and a half weeks... soon I won't even be counting half weeks.... and every day she changes. Oh well at east she hasn't started dating boys yet

Kate's other husbands

2007-07-21T16:50:00.000-07:00

Those of you with connections to Asio, or media monitors may recently have noticed a sharp spike in the appearance of Kate Browne under various different disguises across various different media.

On TV she has appeared with a middle aged husband in a clubs NSW ad. Her big blurry noggin comes right out at you. For getty images she can be seen above preggers with some man I hunted down last week and have tied up in the shed out the back ( don't tell Kate). On the choice website she can be seen with a baby who looks nothing like our little Ivy. Yes she's sold her soul to the Devil all in the aim of 5 minutes of fame and a little cash. I'm just wondering who's going to have the last laugh when she appears on a huge billboard advertising thrush treatment.

I know more than you about....

2007-07-20T18:27:00.000-07:00

nappy rash, breastmilk, maternity pads, the effects of sleeping in 3 hour chunks on the body, going to the loo whilst a baby is strapped in your baby bjorn and negotiating a stroller down awkward stairs whilst collecting the mail, opening the gate and greeting the neighbour at the same time.
ok I admit it , I had no idea about the new Geoffry Rush play exit the king at the belvoir, and I havent heard of any of the current films playing at the local cinema, I have absolutely no clue on what bands are in Sydney , or what new exhibitions, festivals, restaurants, visiting dignatries, sand sculptors, or fascinating engaging people or events in this fair city. nothing, zilch nada.
But what can I tell you about is nappies, poo, and obscure infomercials broadcast at unsociable hours on Foxtel. I can also tell you about the hillbillies in leichhardt who sleep with cats and young babies

Oh the glamour of it all..... weird thing is I'm probably having a much better time than If I was Mr I've seen everything around town

The best baby advice ever

2007-07-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

Our little angel Ivy May has a cold, which brings about all sorts of dilemmas like how on earth is she going to blow her nose. She's not even sure if that really is her nose, let alone what the green slimy stuff getting in the way of breathing is. As for us we're in a constant state of panic wondering if she is going to stop breathing in the middle of the night. To settle our neerves I ventured to the pharmacist to get some tiny litlle nasal drops for tiny little noses. unfortunately they had runnied out of stock. No problem says the pharmacist. just put your mouth over hers and suck the snot out yourself.... You hear all sorts of funny advice as a parent

I believe... I'm more handsome than Lote

2007-07-06T16:46:00.000-07:00

I believe... one of the great things working at Channel Ten is doing shoots like this one with the wallabies

I believe... the new wallaby jerseys make the players look like they have boobs

I believe... George Gregan looks a bit like a cut out version of himself

I believe... making wallabies say I Believe gets a bit tedious after a while

I believe... Lote tuquiri isnt the wild party man the press makes out

I believe... he just really likes sleeping in

I believe rugby union players are a lot more intelligent than league players

I believe the wallabies will win the world cup

Seriously
but then I believe I have to say that

Your quick guide to baby poo

2007-06-30T16:42:00.000-07:00

I know what you're thinking, how could I stoop so low and post a blog entirely on baby poo?

But hang on...

you're still reading...

admit it, you're a little fascinated...

oh well, can't say I blame you ... what with all those exciting sights, sounds and smells, not to mention consistencies

so what's it all about then, this baby poo stuff?

Surely it can't be all that bad when the only thing going in seems to be a white milky looking substance commonly known as milk? I mean the stuffs pure as the driven snow outside, I should know I've been putting it on my cornflakes. (snow that is) . But back to that poo...
The first sign that something untoward has happenned is a red face. This is followed closely by a frown, then the face gets a little redder and little baby looks like she's about to start a backstroke race only she aint going nowhere. Then what do I do asks the frantic soon to be babysitter blogreader. Well grab yourself a nappy, lift up those legs grab a wipe and well it's not that hard, you've been doing it to yourself for god knows how many years. All that really need to be addressed is the colour of those poos

Green: very common. Looks a bit like that green herbed parsly you can buy in a tube ( and comes out in a similar manner) Bubbly consistency, often confused with salad dressing sometimes found in cheap greek run Italian restaurants.

Sticky Black: or what us scientists refer to as muconium. MMM looks like vegemite, feels like vegemite, smells like vegemite and the taste? Well lets just say you need a hell of a lot of margarine

Brown and crunchy: the old peanut butter jelly. crunchy, golden brown and looks like it 'd be a treat in a satay sauce

so there you have it...poo changing in 3 paragraphs... really wasn't that bad was it?

The tiny tyrant

2007-06-23T23:02:00.000-07:00

Parenthood is a breeze.... what betweeen, chats on the mobile phone, red wine at the opera bar, and listening to a band on a saturday afternoon.... we don't know what all the fuss about

Sure there are nights ( most nights) where you don't get a minute's sleep and you enter some dark groundhog day like existance rocking a pram back and forward like some demented tibetan monk, but hey we're not complaining. In fact all things considered we are going pretty well. Kate and I have opted for the baby is not going to interrupt our life too much approach. Ivy is 20 days old and already she's been to the beach (Balmoral), out for 3 posh lunches( she ordered breastmilk in a creamy sauce), an 18th birthday at the pub ( slept the whole way thru) and even a band at the opera bar while mummy and daddy drank red wine and admired the view.

Of course I realise just by writing this blog will put a curse of bad babyitis on us but tempting fate is a whole load of fun. I'm back to work on Tuesday which means Kate gets to go solo...

yikes...

Maybe we should hold off on the lecture circuit for a while.

Who's baby have we stolen?

2007-06-15T20:01:00.000-07:00

Oh my god it's ours.

It seems there's been some terrible mistake.

After 7 days at RPA, we are finally home...alone... with baby. What the hell are they thinking letting us out. We're amateurs, I can't even properly look after myself let alone a little package that struggles to understand if the hands on the end of her arms are hers or not. I mean where is the instruction manual?

But seriously.... we seem to be coping. I mean it's all relative isn't it. Compared to the diggers fighting it out at the Somme, we're doing swimmingly. But who would have thought that such a tiny little thing could turn your life upside down. Ohhhh lucky she's sooooooo cute.

So Kate and I are now fully fledged members of the parents society. In case you are not a member of this elite club then frankly we no longer have time for you and can't really understand why you're being so selfish, wasting your lives away doing meaningless things.I mean we change nappies now.

So what have we learnt from being a parent I hear you ask?

Well for a start the cliche "sleep like a baby" is the the most ridculous thing I've ever heard. It frankly makes no sense at all. The people who invented this misnomer should all be taken outside and shot.

But on the up side... Being a dad does have it's advantages. As the great saint Angelina Jolie said "There's nothing sexier than a man who is a great Dad". So have I been taking Ivy May on walks up and down Norton bloulevarde, winking at the grandmas? yes! Guilty.

But I am proud I havent ordered a babycino yet.

So little Ivy May is 12 days old and doing fine. Mummy is breatfeeding really well, baby is sleeping really well -during the day- those nights are something else . So far so good.

Definitely up for visitors... we want to show the world how much more beautiful our baby is than yours

Bright lights big daddy

2007-06-12T17:16:00.000-07:00

Two days old and getting a tan. Little Ivy may was banished to the ICU for some much needed UV. She developed jaundice, poor little thing, so there she is spending her days like a supermodel with her new fake tan. At a hefty 3.7 kilos she was definitely on the large size down there where most of the babies were premature and barely topping 1 kilo. After 30 hours on the high density lamps, she then continued her vacation on the bili lamps which werent as comfortable as dad's tummy unfortunately. Oh well, she's off them now and her levels have come right down and everyone's happy.

"This baby's got a very big head"

2007-06-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

Announced the midwife, to which my reply was, " she obviously takes after her mother". You see I've been calling Kate big head for years and it was quite fitting for the little baby kate(not her actual name) to announce her big headedness to the world in such dramatic fashion. We may both look chirpy in the above photo, it's true the camera never lies, it's the angle of the camera that tells all the untruths. Supermodel kate wouldn't be looking so great if we were on the other side of that curtain. You see getting to this momentous picture was a long hard journey, one that started on Monday morning and finally finished the following one at 8.16 am(05/06/07) with the birth of the beautiful, albeit slightly squashed, Ivy May Browne.

It all started with a trickle that sure enough turned into a flood and had Ed mopping up some water all the way from the bedroom floor to the bathroom. It was monday morning the flag had been hoisted it was all about to happen. So off we trotted very casually to the Royal Prince Alfred Hospital to check things out. Kate was hooked up to a machine that sounded like the galloping of a thousand horses and sure enough, we were informed yes the waters had broken, the baby will probably come tonight, so go home and ring us when things really get exciting. (basically with the baby boom in full swing there's not a bed in sight).

Kate had gone into some kind of weird land and had her mind set on baking a cake (the fact I have never actually seen her bake anything let alone a cake didnt seem to her odd).

Kate was so calm we were even recieving visitors as Emma and Jasen popped over for a bit of labour spotting. By now it was 4pm and she hadnt even started that cake. We had bought the ingredients but she knew she had a cake to bake before the other bun came out of the oven. But then it was time for a walk (very important to let gravity start pulling the baby down). So off we waddled up to Kates Parents jill and Lindsay( who luckily don't live too far away but far enough away if you know what I mean) for a bit of a pre labour gee up. Quick waddle home afterwards and it really was time to start making that cake.

Unfortunately contractions began which as soon as we put on Big brother became a lot worse. It was almost as if her body was having an allergic reaction to the latest reality TV bollocks. By now Kate could only prepare the cake in 6 minute intervals which were fast becoming 5 minute intervals which really began to start freaking out our cat chloe. But instead of running off from this crazed creature emitting sounds only a midwife could understand Chloe did the opposite. She ran towards the source, trying to discover and help out her adopted mum by biting her softly on the arm and shoving her cat head in kates face. It was actually one of the most touching moments I've ever seen between woman and beast.

By now I was racing between oven ( I'd taken over cake duties), telephone to the hospital, and telephone to our doula Michelle. For those who don't know what a doula is, they are someone you employ to help you through Labour. Basically a hired support person and the best money I never spent. Thanks Jill and Lindsay for that, I don't think we could have got through without her.

By now it was all going crazy what with the cat, the contractions, the cake, the have we got everything packed, the can we come in to the hospital yet, the hope the car starts, and the oh my god what if it comes out right now, that we grabbed the keys and just like out of the scene of a film began the whole race to the hospital routine. All was going swimmingly until we got outside and discovered some roadwork had cut off the entrace to the emergency maternity drop off point and we had a to find a new route in. Under pressure to do something fast or risk a quick swipe from a posessed woman, I managed to find a car park only a short 80 metres from the entrance. But now the contractions were happenning every 2 minutes which means you have about 30 seconds of slow walk to make any progress. About ten minutes later we made it to the entrance only to arrive after hours and have to press a button and announce ourselves to the security guard who could quite easily see all the drama right in front of him. " Yes Can I help you?" he asked . "Damn right fucker open those doors before a major incident occurs to your face" I thought but calmly just asked him to open the doors. That he did, but not before Kate expressed her complete discust with a huge vomit right at the front door, followed by another vomit and another and another. By now the doors had shut again and I had to push the button and announce myself to the same security guard who was acting as if he coldn't see what was going on only 8 metres in front of him. One can only hope he had to clean up the vomit.

I'd love to say my work was done I'm off to the pub for a cigar and a beer but no this is not the 1950's. Michelle the doula arrived and we were now part of the get the baby out team. " Get me an epidural!" Kates contractions were now like something out of the entity. Nurse ratchett the midwife after looking at the birthplan said "yes, but it says here that you would like to try for a while without drugs and only have an epidural when the pain gets bad" Kate countered with a " I wrote that when I was at work I want an epidural get me an epidural, ed tell them I need an epidural" Knowing that my entire future was at stake I replied " Get her an epidural!"
But of course it was now 11am and just happenned to be one of RPA's busiest nights ever and try finding an anaethesist at that time on RPA's busiest night. Events now started to take on a very surreal quality. Machines going beep, Kate going " where's the epidural" all to the sound of Buddha Bar V111, a Cd I'm sure Kate will never let me listen to ever again. An hour later, 12 pm Kate was fully dilated and Michelle was thinking we would have a baby by 2am. Unfortunalely nobody had bothered to ask the baby. Kate was now in the catch 22 of having to let the epidural wear off so she can push, so she was really starting to feel the pain. 1am became 2 am became 3am and by now it was hard to know where we were. The baby had come down a fair way but seemed to be in the wrong position and no doctors were around because there were 5 other c sections going on thru the night. We were put on a holding pattern as the baby and Kate seemed to be doing relatively Ok. For us though it had become the night that would never end. Kate was being a trooper and pushing like a demon, much of it with the epidural having worn off. By 6 am Kate was utterly exhausted and nothing left in the tank and had understandely developed a fear to those contractions coming back. By now we had a doctor, there was a theatre empty and it was all systems go.

Off we went to the theatre where a cast of about 20 all dressed greys anatomy style awaited. The weird moments were coming thick and fast and already it's hard to remember them all. Before I knew it the curtain was up and they were trying a bit of suction. But this baby just didnt want to come out. The decision was finally made about 7.30 to go for a C section. Kate was really relieved. Medical Team B jumped on the scene and I made sure I wouldn't stand up and look over that curtain. At 8.16 am finally after more tugging and pulling we heard the infamous line. My god this Baby has a very big head. Kate and I both laughed and got a quick glimpse of the most outraged little face before she was whisked off for a quick clean. Dad went off to cut the cord (not sure it was actually attached to anything) and Mum was stitched up. Dad and baby then went off and had an hours quality time togethor and Little Ivy now knows all about the world and is already starting to recite a little bit of chaucer.

The midwifes are saying she looks like me ( lucky little sausage) but people do say babies look like they're fathers at first. So far she has hardly cried at all and seems to have a really relaxed temperament. Lets hope that lasts. ate is doing fine for someone who has experienced the worst of all the different aspects of labour, but she is loving her little package. If anyone wishes to visit just give me call first, We're at RPA ward 5 east and visiting hours are 2 til 8. Don't feel you have to visit as it really is a time for Kate to recover and learn how to look after her baby. But on the same note if you'd really like to, we'd love to see you

We decided to court a bit of controversy by giving the baby Kate's last name. We decided if it was a girl then it will be a Browne and if a boy then a holmes. Let's face it it's only fair after all Kate's been thru in the last few days. If we have another one it will be a Holmes. We wanted an old fashioned name and road tested quite a few and Ivy May is actually Kates grandmothers name. Ivy is also a name that appears quite a few times in my family tree and may is the name of my great Aunt who was a bit of a star of the family, and also one of my susters middle names. We also like the fact it's a flowers name but also not too popular at the moment.

Go Ivy go

Waiting for baby Browne

2007-05-31T03:31:00.000-07:00

The mobile is fully charged, the route to the hospital is fully researched and the KateBrowne is fully termed. We're at 39 weeks, the missile is engaged and we're awaiting the arrival of a little girl. For the betting people out there... the smart money is on B day being June the 5th, the name being Ivy May, although Sylvie May, Myrtle May, Lola May, Apple May, Antarctica May and Kevin Rudd May are also getting a little late mail.

Aside from effecting the share value of qantas( strange but true) , Kate has also been overachieving during her pregnancy by 1) getting her driving licence 2) starring in the current clubs NSW Tv ad campaign and 3) just completing the sydney to melbourne triathlon

there's no stopping this girl... but back to that gut

As you can see in the above picture kate has transformed herself into a giant boob with some kind of weird man eating foreskin on the end

it's not that funny sweetie

but whoever said pregnancy couldn't be fun? as you can see it really does effect the mind and and yes the simpleton above has no idea what she's laughing at.

So for those birth spotters out there.... we will be at RPA (that's not an invitation) and hopefully using as many drugs as possible. For potentially outraged busybodies, the baby will be getting Kate's last name fair enough as she has to put up with all the pain, if we do have a number 2 then it will take my name... just to mix it up and keep those school bullies confused.

In other news Kate's only put on 10 kilos, is only just out of her nomal jeans and the baby has taken on the appearance of a very taut water balloon. She also can't stop looking at her belly.

We've both also become pram spotters and experts on all things baby. Basically anyone who has a bugaboo is a tosser and Mountain buggies rock

So that's it bloggers.... stay tuned for some exciting news.... imagine if it turns out to be a boy

The good life according to Chloe

2007-05-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

It's a blog readers worst nightmare. Somebody putting indulgent pictures of their cat hoping that other people share the same interest as they do in their furry friend. But we're different because we live with Chloe and she's the most special cat in the world.

She likes to warm up our plates

read the occassional classic

Iron our underwear and put on our favourite DVD's

and after a hard days work, it's time to chill out in the hammock

so whoever said cats are lazy must be crazy